Back in the day the movie, “Frankenstein”, the one with Boris Karloff as the monster, scared the daylights out of the young Idler. We had a flashback to those days recently when we were watching a more modern version of the same story and a 7 year old had the same childish insight we probably had those many decades ago, “They should quit going into the monster’s room.” Of course as adults we are no longer terrified by the horror classics. We know that if we found ourselves in a similar situation we would simply call FEMA, the Federal Emergency Monster Agency, and only then, after waiting around for a few weeks, start peeking into the monster’s room to see what he was up to.
Same deal with vampires. One call to the CDC, Centers for Dracula Control, would assure us that there was absolutely no need to polish up our mirrors to see if people with suspiciously prominent canines had a reflection. Also, we shouldn’t risk violating anyone’s civil rights by requiring that they assemble at noon on Main Street on a sunny day. And please, let’s not go completely bonkers by wearing crosses or garlic which might negatively impact the undead self-esteem wise.
What about werewolves? It should be clear by now that werewolves are simple, hard working lycanthropes who will do the work our domestic wolves are unwilling to do. Let’s put away the silver bullets, people, werewolves are just howling for a bite of the American dream. I mean, will it kill you to have to walk around a little gingerly at night during full moons? It will?
Of course the major horror theme of the past few years has been the zombie apocalypse. The Idler has always been puzzled by the whole zombie phenomenon. Okay, they’re corpses that have been re-animated through some occult means at various stages of decomposition. I’ll grant you that they’re pretty disgusting looking. They seem to groan and grunt a lot, and I suppose you are meant to imagine that they’re not exactly a stroll through the rose garden odor-wise. The thing is, they all seem to be limping. How hard is it to escape from someone with a limp? I mean, would you be afraid if Stephen Hawking threatened to kick your butt? Better charge that battery good, cosmology boy!
So we should ask ourselves the question, how exactly are the zombies going to do us in should we be careless enough to be in their vicinity? They don’t appear to be blessed with great strength just based on the way they have to heave themselves around. They rarely if ever appear to be packing heat and even if they were it would take them forever to actually aim and pull the trigger what with their conspicuous deficit in fine motor control. It’s the biting you have to watch out for and, as usual, the Idler has the solution, one which, ironically, comes from the infamous “Jason” character from the “Halloween.” series: Hockey gear.
Have you ever seen the full hockey panoply? You got your helmet with bear cage mask. You got your shoulder pads. elbow pads, thick jersey/sweater, thigh pads and shin pads. You got your thick, practically elbow length gloves. Also, you have a hockey stick in your hands. So you wear roller skates on pavement for a quick getaway, right? You see a zombie approaching, what do you do? You give him a slap shot right in the living dead chops, and you just roll away. “What if the zombies start wearing hockey gear?”, you ask. Easy there, Stephen King, how are they going to bite you through the mask?
Don’t get too trigger happy with the hockey sticks, though, OK? Just because a guy has spent a couple-three hours immobile in a recliner, doesn’t mean he’s one of the “living dead.” No matter what his wife may tell you.