“Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,” – MacBeth

Cauldron 01

MacBeth is the perfect Halloween play. The Idler had to read it way back in high school, and if memory serves, the witches had even more shocking things to throw in the cauldron than mentioned above. That’s why there are so many superstitions surrounding the play – people believe  that actual black magic incantations are disclosed in it and that real witches have cursed the play in retaliation. Actors won’t even say the word “MacBeth” inside the theater for fear of bringing some calamity upon themselves and the production, and anyone who does has to go outside the building, turn around three times and spit before they’re allowed back in. Of course, actors are always telling each other to break a leg so they’re pretty weird to begin with.

But the sense of what is horrifying and what is not can vary from place to place and era to era. For instance, when we sat down to watch the first half of the Raiders game we thought we had mistakenly tuned into “Chiller Theater.”  Didn’t one of the refs bear a slight resemblance to the legendary Bill “Chilly Billy” Cardille? While watching that gruesome game unfold it occurred to us that we’re reaching the point where we might have to turn to the occult. That’s right, we should find some witches and get them to juice up their cauldron with certain pages from the Steelers’ playbook. I mean, we might be able to get them to come up with a potion to improve our chances if only by getting rid of the scarier elements of the game plan. They could use incantations involving stinker plays like these:

Toe of frog and wing of bat,

Drop by Miller in the flat

HalloweenFootball

 

Or how about:

Ear of cat and foot of bunny,

Suisham shanks one from the twenty

Then just when we get a third down stop:

Scale of dragon, tooth of shark,

Interference, Ryan Clark

If the witches’ potion doesn’t work, I’m thinking maybe we could get a clergyman to exorcise the team because, let’s face it, there has to be something unholy going on in that huddle. Or failing that, maybe Max Von Sydow from the movie “The Exorcist” could be persuaded to give the team a halftime pep talk. He could stand next to Tomlin and shout, “the power of Mike compels you!”  Or maybe Kordell Stewart could help. Except that, for a guy nicknamed “Slash” he never gave off any sort of slasher vibe.

As a last resort, for next week’s game in New England I propose we sign those spooky girls from “The Shining” for a cheer-leading gig. Do you remember their name? That’s right, the “Grady” twins. Grady – Brady, close enough. Desperate times demand desperate measures.

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